NO, NO and again NO

No you do not need your own printer. You have access to numerous networked printers. USE THEM.

Softly, Softly touchy monkey!

Hitting a touchpad harder than is necessary constitutes an act of aggression towards a defenseless item, namely my laptop. Yes ... it is still my laptop ... because I take care of it, look after it and reluctantly had to hand it over to you.

I cannot be held responsible for either your stupidity or my actions.

Bean counter

You are a bean counter, and NOT an expert on computers. If I say we need a specific piece of kit, then you order it and pay for it. I don't deal with accounts or money and you don't deal with computers. Live by this and we will be ok, ignore this and ....

missing in action

Do you not take care where you send your printouts. I know I told you to use a different printer if your default printer is offline, but I also said that you should try one near you. Please explain why you thought that the printer in another city was nearer than the one upstairs.

No emails? Boo hoo!

Try deleting emails that you no longer need, from your inbox. A full inbox will not allow more junk to come in. Filing your emails ad infinitum in your inbbox is NOT the proper way of creating an archive ... you fool! Cease bugging me with such inconsequential and boring troubleshooting jobs.

Leave the covers down.

Stop opening the covers of printers that are still printing the jobs in their queues. How would you like it if I opened your car's bonnet while you were driving it. You are unbelievably inconsiderate!

SPAM ! Unlovely SPAM!

The profusion of spam in all my inboxes is completely overwhelming. In addition to the normal internet spam, that apparently does not get filtered by the plethora of spam filters that separate me from the internet directly, I am now faced with wet-ware spamming me on my own network. This is a case of friendly-fire the email way.

NO, I do not want your pitiful samples of spam forwarded into my inbox. YOU decide whether it is spam or not. You are old enough to decide this for yourself. If you do not know or trust the originator, then despatch the offending email into the "Ether-hereafter", AND NOT TO ME!!

Your sysadmins and netadmins probably get more spam than anyone else in your organisation, except for Percy in maintenance who has a thing about rubber. The reason why sysadmins and netadmins get so much spam, is because they are usually subscribed to a few email lists that inform about security vulnerabilities and product updates. Some of the lists are managed and moderated by gurus, but some are moderated and maganged by monkeys.

So .... be a good little wetware ... and keep your spam to yourself or, better yet, delete the thing!

I don't do photocopiers!

So here is the situation. Sysadmins and Netadmins maintain, repair, upgrade, install, downgrade and decommission computers and networks respectively. The key words here are COMPUTERS and NETWORKS. I will say this again, as it needs to sink in. COMPUTERS and NETWORKS! What makes wetware think that we fix any other items such as photocopiers, vacuum cleaners, kettles, radios, telephones, and so on, and so on! We do not setup, repair, configure or offer tuition on operating VCRs, mobiles, digital cameras, etc. READ THE MANUAL! It was supplied with the equipment and intended for you. It will clearly show you all that you need to know, and then some. And don't even bother asking us for advice on your mother's cousin's thrice removed electrical appliance needs. We have enough to deal with on a day-to-day basis, without thinking about whether an XBOX or PSP3 would be more suitable as learning tool. We do not care!

Don't bug us with such insidious requests. Requests such as these only breed a spirit of disinclination to acquiece to future requests. We only deal with and care about the systems and networks that we administer.

Foreign Fancy

I believe that I score above average in my language abilities, especially as I am fluent in 4 proper languages. I also can read in 2 different alphabets, however, it really annoys me when you, in your immeasurable egocentrism, DEMAND that I understand YOUR LANGUAGE and YOUR ALPHABET in MY COUNTRY. YOU visit my country and bring your problems to me, and after I emphasized that I do NOT speak or read Korean, you continued to badger me for assistance. Altruistically, I relented AND miraculously managed to fix the problem. If the story ended here we would all be happy, but it did not ... DID IT!!! YOU then proceeded to set up your computer as a server and started exchanging and serving illegal software!

Guess what punk!!! YOU HAVE GONE FROM BEING A NON-ENTITY ON MY HIT LIST TO ACHIEVING POLL POSITION. I know you will be reading this post because I emailed it to you, but you will only have a few moments to reflect on it as your connection will be terminated in the next 5 minutes. Furthermore, after probing my network and discovering vulnerabilities on your system, I instituted an attack on your computer. In approximately 6 minutes, you system will be rendered useless and ONLY FIT TO BE A TOASTER. Moreover, any rights and priviledges to any computers under my jurisdiction on my network will be revoked within 7 minutes. YOU WILL ENTER THE EQUIVALENT OF A PRE-STONE AGE when it comes to working with computers.

Don't bother crying on anyone's shoulder. NOBODY cares and NO-ONE likes you anymore.